Have you put off your Halloween costume to the last second because you were just too busy writing? I’ve got you covered.
a writer: Put on your rattiest sweatshirt and open a bottle of Scotch. Spend the entire party in the corner talking to the host’s cat. Do not wear pants.
A Writer(TM): Pair skinny jeans with a button-down, waistcoat, and pretentious facial hair. Introduce yourself to each person at the party with a puff from your vape and the words “I’m writing a screenplay.“
a literary agent: Throw on a pair of designer sunglasses and an 80s blazer – the bigger the shoulderpads, the better. If anyone asks about your book, tell them about someone else’s.
a reviewer: Dress up as one of your own characters, but with rabies. Describe everything at the party as “really good, I liked it.” Glue foil stars to your host’s forehead.
an editor: pizza slice
your editor: sexy pizza slice
Amazon.com: Carry 50 books, none of which are remotely related to your book and none of which you have actually read. Offer signed copies to anyone who asks you where the bathroom is.
a manuscript: Print out 150 pages of double-spaced, 12-point Times New Roman text. Spend the next eight months fashioning it into a haute couture wedding dress, a la Project Runway. Cry on it.
author royalties: Paste a dollar bill over each nipple and one on your crotch. …Wait, who are we kidding? Use dimes.
this blog: Cover yourself in a thin layer of glue. Roll yourself in glitter and fire ants. Profit.
Trick or treat, smell my feet, buy me a coffee even though it doesn’t rhyme with “feet.”