Attorney Correspondence: A Handy Guide to Translation

This post originally appeared on my 2009 blog, back when I was still working at a law firm.

Original Version of Letter to Opposing Counsel:

Dear Waste of Space:

If you would check your fucking file instead of drafting pointless letters, you would know that we sent you a copy of the paperwork you want a month ago. You will find them in the big stack of other relevant information about this case, which you obviously have not read because you keep asking me for it. A FILE. READ YOU ONE.

If you’re missing anything, waste someone else’s time about it. We are not in the habit of keeping records on your clients, seeing as your client is not our client. I know this is a difficult concept, so please read this letter as many times as you need before it sinks in.

Fuck off, and quit bothering me over pointless shit.

Stop wasting my time,

Me

Version Mailed to Opposing Counsel After Significant Edits:
Dear Mr. ATTORNEY:
In response to your letter of February 12, 2009, we do not have a certified copy of your client’s entire policy of insurance. If you need a complete certified copy, I recommend you submit a Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 34(c) Request for Production to your client’s insurer, INSURER, at ADDRESS.
Any copy of any portion of any policy of insurance issued to your client which was or is in the possession of MYCLIENT was provided to you in response to your First Request for Production.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Me


Being a writer requires almost as much coffee as being a lawyer. Help me stay caffeinated.

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