I’m a salty recovering lawyer. And when I get salty, I get satirical.
When Shakespeare’s “Dick the Butcher” announced, “First thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers,” he made a point about the legal system: that lawyers often serve as the bulwark between State power and the people on whom it is imposed. Yet Dick didn’t go far enough. Another U.S. mass shooting (either the 1500th in 1700 days or the 800th, depending on which numbers help you score points in your social media circles), and the gun debate that has restarted in the face of it, make it clear: what we need to do is to eliminate all laws.
As an eloquent friend of a friend convinced me on Facebook yesterday, strengthening U.S. gun regulations is ultimately futile, because someone, somewhere, will figure out how to use a gun to hurt someone else. This wise young Seabury likened gun laws to DUI laws: even though every U.S. state has created criminal penalties for driving a car with a blood alcohol concentration over 0.08%, drunk driving still kills about 10,200 people a year nationwide.
A similar pattern can be seen in other criminal laws. Murder is illegal at both the state and federal levels, yet nearly 15,000 people were murdered in the U.S. in 2011 alone – and that’s just the ones we know about! Shoplifting is also a crime, yet the NASP estimates that 27 million people have shoplifted at least once, costing retailers $13 billion each year.
And, as any libertarian will tell you, non-criminal regulations don’t work at all. Despite federal regulations strongly limiting the amount of lead permitted in gasoline, paint, household goods, and drinking water, the CDC estimates that 1 in 38 U.S. children has lead poisoning. If regulations worked, kids wouldn’t be getting poisoned. Check and mate.
Clearly, laws on murder and drunk driving don’t prevent people from being killed. And just as clearly, gun laws would also fail to keep people from being killed.
Which is why it’s time to stop debating how to make laws and just stop doing it.
Here are some of the immediate benefits of abolishing all laws:
1. An end to all crime. Laws create “crime” by categorizing certain behaviors as “criminal.” Without criminal laws, nothing is a crime. Since it’s well known that when you outlaw guns, only outlaws have guns, the natural solution is to permit all guns – and everything else. That way, no one can commit a crime, no matter how heinously they act towards others.
2. Total elimination of your taxes. Taxes pay for all the things that laws say we need: regulated drinking water, medications that pass rigorous testing protocols, people to fix roads and give speeding tickets and teach our kids. Eliminating all laws would automatically mean you’d pay no taxes, because there would be nothing to pay for.
3. Draining the swamp. Sick of those bums in Congress or your state legislature who can’t get anything done and are only in it for themselves? Guess what – their “job” is to make laws. Let’s shut them down and make them get some honest work instead.
4. The end of law enforcement. Likewise, all cops can get into a different line of work. You don’t need law enforcement if there are no laws to enforce. If this sounds sketchy, consider: All those NFL players who keep taking a knee during the anthem are protesting extrajudicial murders by cops. No laws means no murders and no cops. That’ll shut ‘em up!
5. Pansy-ass liberals will finally give the President a break. In fact, the entire nation will be able to give the President a permanent break, because there’s no need for a Chief Executive when there are no laws to execute. The President can return to doing what he does best: playing golf and running companies into the ground.
6. More peaceful family dinners. Whether it’s the lack of political issues to debate or just the fact that everyone’s got listeria from the complete lack of food regulations, family dinners will suddenly be much quieter.
7. An unlimited right to work. Right to Work laws have been in vogue in many states recently, and they represent one of the worst vices of a law system: a law created to deal with the effects of other laws. Where does it end? Without labor laws, you’ll be free to work as many hours a week as your employer demands for as little as your employer wants to pay you.
8. A Social Darwinist utopia. Regulations have made us soft. It’s time to go back to the good old days, when to survive in America, you needed to be tougher than your neighbor – or at least have a bigger gun than he did. Without laws, the country will get continually stronger as the weak are picked off by the strong.
By eliminating laws, we won’t even need to kill all the lawyers – they’ll die of starvation due to lack of work, or they’ll get honest jobs like real hardworking Americans. Let’s make this country great again!
Salt is good with coffee. Buy me one to keep the satire blistering.