by Koa Nantais
Having been in the Ambassador’s office for thirty years, I’m familiar with most human customs. Some of them, however, still confuse me.
Christmas, for example.
I have trouble seeing this holiday as anything but a garishly decorated attempt to resolve personal problems with food and gifts. Verity, however, informs me there’s much more to it, most of which is contained in this book she loaned me called The Bible.
“Read the whole thing,” she said. “It’s referenced in nearly every artistic work produced in the West in the past two thousand years.”
So I read it. It’s…human.
Here, I’ve tried to patch together the meaning behind the custom of “Christmas,” using some things I found on a shelf in Verity’s house. I think I’ve gotten the gist of it.
Luke Chapter 2
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from the FCC, that all the Internet users should be taxed.
(And this taxing was first made when Ajit Pai was chair of the FCC.)
And all went to be taxed, every one into his own ISP.
And Coulson also went up from Sanctuary, out of the Commonwealth, into D.C., unto the part of D.C. known as the Triskelion, (because he was of the house and lineage of S.H.I.E.L.D.),
to be taxed with the Sole Survivor his espoused wife, who was mildly interested with child but more so with how to maximize settler happiness in Jamaica Plain.
And so it was that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should take down the Institute.
And she brought forth from the Institute a Muppet, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there was in that same country Jayne Cobb abiding in the field, keeping watch over his flock of vintage My Little Ponies by night.
And, lo, the T-rex of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and Jayne Cobb was a bit afraid, but not as afraid as he might normally be, because Vera was with him.
And the T-rex said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, when a man wears that hat, people know he is not afraid of anything. Also I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be unto all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Fizzgig, who is a Friendly Monster.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger, with many rows of teeth.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of Strong Female Characters praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
(But one wondered how good the good will toward men could be if all the women felt it necessary to go about armed to the teeth.)
And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, Jayne Cobb said to his Ponies, Let us go now even unto Earth-that-was, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.
And they came with haste, and found the Sole Survivor and Agent Coulson, and the Muppet lying in a manger.
But the Sole Survivor kept all these things in her heart, and pondered whether shooting Maxson in the head would in fact net her that sweet coat.
Matthew Chapter 2
Now when Fizzgig was born in the Triskelion of the MCU in the days of Margaret Hamilton the Queen, behold, there came wise women from the east to the land of the Winkies,
saying, Where is he that is born a Friendly Monster? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him.
And Margaret Hamilton sent them to the Triskelion, and said, Go and search diligently for the Friendly Monster; and when ye have found him, bring me word again, that I may come and worship him also.
When they had heard the king, they departed; and, lo, the star, which was quite gay even for Yuletide, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young Muppet was.
When they say the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy, for love is love.
And when they were come into the house, they saw the young Muppet with the Sole Survivor his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts: radish earrings, and paprikash, and just generally being very cute.
And being warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Margaret Hamilton, they departed into their own country another way.
Koa Nantais is equally unclear on the human concept of “coffee,” so you should probably buy her one. For science.